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Archive for the ‘Tackieness’ Category

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Suddenly Aunt Mabel regretted that she had told her two friends that she was wearing no knickers that day in the park.

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There was one thing to prefer to practice playing the violin without wearing any knickers in the privacy of her own home, quite another to go for a picnic without any.

At home young Johnny was the only one who could see her and he didn’t mind at all of course. It became rather embarrassing when her two friends in the park insisted on having a look.

Young Johnny preferred rock as any sane young man of course, but with a view like this, who care what music is being played.

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Wrapping  my mind around the idea that some dimwit broad is imagining that she has been seduced by a creature from a flying saucer is one thing, but one imagining that she has been seduced by the flying saucer itself. No, I just can’t see it. Sorry.

Image found on Casa de Ricardo

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Aunt Mabel has always been proud of her legs. At the top picture here we see her in a friendly “best legs on the campsite” at White Cliff Bay on the Isle of Wight during the summer holiday of 1969. Due to heavy 153flirting with several of the judges promising the most outrages naughtiness in her tear-drop camper she won of course.

Her ample supply of home made booze that she served the judges from the kitchen end of her camper just before the competition started may have had something to do with the result as well.

Looking at the size of her camper one might wonder how much outrages naughtiness there is actually room for in there, but men are so easily fooled aren’t they.152

On the other hand, Aunt Mabel is known to appreciate her naughtiness more than most as we all know so who knows what she keeps inside that small tear-drop.

Young Johnny might have been able to shed some light on the subject, he has been camping with Mabel often enough, but he know how to keep his mouth shut the naughty sod.

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Watch as mad scientist Dr. Lorenzo Cameron turns his handyman into a werewolf in this clip from the 1942 low-budget horror film The Mad Monster. It stars Johnny Downs, George Zucco, and Anne Nagel. The tagline for this film is "The blood of a wolf he placed in the veins of a man… and created a monster such as the world has never known!". It was released on May 15, 1942.

Found on retroyoutube

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….. your knickers elastics snap

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One Saturday when aunt Mable held a neighbourhood garden party a lady turned up with an accordion. A bummer in itself, but said lady used the horrible instrument to accompany her own drab and dreary religious songs. It didn’t take long before some of the guests started crying with despair.

Aunt Mabel did the only sensible thing. She tore the dreaded instrument out of the woman’s hands ripped it in two, threw one part in the pool and slipped the other part over the woman’s head and said in her most restrained and polite voice: “One more sound out of you and you end up in the pool too.”

The woman choose to leave the party for some reason and aunt Mable to carry on partying now that the mood of her garden party had taken a turn for the better.

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Aunt  Mabel’s thirteenth husband Roderick owned a pub. Yeah, let that sink in for a moment. Mabel with free access to the bottles and barrels in a public house. Disaster you may think, and right you are.

Roderick, that poor sap, thought he had got himself both a cook and a barmaid. How could he know that the good looking 038woman  he had met in Kensington Gardens that bright and sunny Sunday in May had the capacity to drink his most alcoholic patrons under the table and that as cook she was among the few who could burn even water.

Mabel’s foul mouth, terrible temper and heavy swearing made her absolutely useless as a barmaid, even Roderick’s most faithful patrons began to find their pints and booze elsewhere. And the bub grub she cooked was left untouched even by the rats in the backyard where it eventually ended.

Besides poor Roderick would usually find Mabel dead drunk among empty bottles at one of the indoor tables or knocking down 016pint after pint at one of the outdoor ones if the weather was good. There she would whistle at any man passing by, shouting indecent suggestions after them as they hurried down the street.

Well, you should know our Mabel well enough by now, so you’ve probably already guessed that she was heading for another divorce fast. And right enough, poor Roderick had had enough of auntie after about 6 month. Not bad for Mabel really.

I must admit I sorely miss all that free booze Mabel later told young Johnny squeezing his bum playfully pressing her ample bosom teasingly against his arm, and she added, but that Roderick fellow was a right pillock. No fun what so ever.

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When it comes to offering a man a drink in an interesting way few woman have got a repertoire like aunt Mabel. She  doesn’t even bother if the man in question is to plastered to hold the drink himself.

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Should the man in question on the other hand have no interest in alcoholic beverages at all aunt Mable can easily take care of all the drinking herself. Here’s a picture from the modest gathering during her eleventh wedding.

The particular husband in question, Bertie, who had met Mable through an add she had put in a parish magazine just for the heck of it, was as you can see already beginning to have second thoughts.

That marriage, was by the way aunt Mabel’s personal record, it lasted a little under 6 days.

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You’ve just been condemned to everlasting torment (foul sinner that you are), and Beelzebub informs you that you will be listening to the same 10 records for the next 10,000 or so years.   The good news is that there’s no One Direction, Ke$ha, or Justin Bieber, in the mix – nor is there anything from the past few decades.  The bad news: Beelzebub’s playlist consists of these 10 records….

Gheorghe Zamfir, The Lonely Shepherd, 1978
Yes, you’ll be listening to the Pan flute for the next 10 millenia.  Sadly, it doesn’t improve with time.  In fact, it seems to get worse with each listen. Abandon all hope ye who plays Zamfir.

Scotty Plummer, Banjo On The Roof, 1975
If you thought the Pan flute was bad, wait till this annoying rascal starts playing his banjo.  You’ll want to kill yourself, but, alas, you’re already dead.  There can be no escape from young Scotty Plummer.

Pat Boone Family, In The Holy Land, 1974
No Playlist of Eternal Torture is complete without something from the Boone Family catalogue.

Andy Stewart, Andy's Hogmanay Party, 1977
Maybe it’s all well and good if your Scottish, but for the rest of mankind, Andy’s Hogmanay is the stuff nightmares are made of.  (Listen if you dare.)

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Pan flutes, and banjos are bad….and yet, there is something much worse…

Koichi Oki, Yamaha Superstar!, 1972
That strange noise you hear isn’t the magic of the Yamaha keyboard, it’s your sanity imploding.

Hillside Singers, I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing, 1971
As you’d expect, also on the album are “Day by Day” from Jesus Christ Superstar and “Kum Ba Yah”.     This is low, even for Beelzebub.

Roger Whittaker, Feelings, 1980
“Feelings” is inarguably the all-time worst song to hear over and over.   To make matters worse, it’s sung by Roger Whitaker.  And to make matters existentially unbearable, it’s on a double album!

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Don’t ever let Liberace creep up behind you like this.  Bad things happen when Liberace creeps up behind you.   Listen if you dare.


Just in case your mind remained intact for the previous 9, here comes Mrs. Mills…

THE END…. OR IS IT?

Bwahahaha!  Bwahahaha! (sound of evil laughter fade out)

Text and image from flashbak

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Image found on Turn of the Century

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You might not know this but every year a competition called Miss X-Ray is held in connection with the International Radiologist Convention which for some strange reason is always held in a small town on the Yorkshire coast called Bridlington.

Back in the sixties Aunt Mabel won that competition. You can see her in the middle of the picture above. her abuse of alcohol, tobacco and other objectionable substances had yet to make their mark on her inside.

During the festivity later the same day a radiologist from Huston did his best to seduce young Mabel, but the only thing he got out of that was a rather ugly cut in the forehead from Mabel’s rather heavy first prize and a night in the local intensive unit.

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During the divorce negotiations after Aunt Mabel’s ninth marriage fell apart her lawyer advised her to dress properly. “And remember, wear a hat” was his final words on the matter.

Aunt Mabel who had so much downright unlawful and immoral behaviour she could reveal about her opponent in the presiding  
that she chose a headwear that signalled quite clearly that it all would end up for everyone to see if she didn’t get exactly what she wanted.

Needless to say the poor man left the negotiations penniless.

As he gathered up his paper to put them in his briefcase her lawyer couldn’t help smiling as he whispered “Nice choice of headwear madam.” “I thought it just the thing” Aunt Mabel answered giving him her most innocent smile.

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Young Johnny’s class mates would go ballistic  if they got their hands of an issue of Playboy magazine or similar publications. He on the other hand could just wait for his aunt Mabel to call him on the phone to ask for his help in some matter or other to get his fill of bare female skin. But that was something he kept to himself of course. Some secrets you share, some you don’t

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Just the other day, for instance,  she called him because she had misplaced her bath brush and felt like having someone scrub her back. But in case his mother was listening in on the extension (which she often did) she just said she needed his help to fix something in the bathroom. Drunk or not she has always had a way with words.

It was not the first time that brush was misplaced, if she had one at all, so when Young Johnny arrived he just shook his head in mock disbelief, took the sponge she handed him and set to work on her back.

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…… of music can this be

Finish polkas played on accordions? Swedish folk music? Disco? Or simply rhythmic slapping with birch branches with the occasional softly whispered “Oh yes”?

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Nice Work……

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….. if you can get it

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Although she chose to spend Christmas living la vida loca* in Cuba, Aunt Mabel found it intolerable that her family saw this as an opportunity to skip buying her Christmas presents. She would never accept the fact and tore round their houses searching for her gifts when she returned  after new years eve thoroughly shagged and hangover.

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By the way, she used the same technique when shopping and was unable to find her favourite goose liver pate or fresh clams. The people working at her regular grocers wisely left her alone, particularly those who had been victim of her boiling anger, foul language and hard kicks.

* The crazy life (for those of you who don’t speak Spanish and didn’t bother to check it on Google translator)

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…… men try to get in touch with their feelings

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Old Spanish book cover from book No 50 in the series La Novela Moderna. English title “Those Who Stay At Home”. And in my eyes it seams like staying home was a rather smashing idea – Ted

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