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Posts Tagged ‘Aunt Mabel’

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Suddenly Aunt Mabel regretted that she had told her two friends that she was wearing no knickers that day in the park.

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There was one thing to prefer to practice playing the violin without wearing any knickers in the privacy of her own home, quite another to go for a picnic without any.

At home young Johnny was the only one who could see her and he didn’t mind at all of course. It became rather embarrassing when her two friends in the park insisted on having a look.

Young Johnny preferred rock as any sane young man of course, but with a view like this, who care what music is being played.

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Aunt Mabel has always been proud of her legs. At the top picture here we see her in a friendly “best legs on the campsite” at White Cliff Bay on the Isle of Wight during the summer holiday of 1969. Due to heavy 153flirting with several of the judges promising the most outrages naughtiness in her tear-drop camper she won of course.

Her ample supply of home made booze that she served the judges from the kitchen end of her camper just before the competition started may have had something to do with the result as well.

Looking at the size of her camper one might wonder how much outrages naughtiness there is actually room for in there, but men are so easily fooled aren’t they.152

On the other hand, Aunt Mabel is known to appreciate her naughtiness more than most as we all know so who knows what she keeps inside that small tear-drop.

Young Johnny might have been able to shed some light on the subject, he has been camping with Mabel often enough, but he know how to keep his mouth shut the naughty sod.

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One Saturday when aunt Mable held a neighbourhood garden party a lady turned up with an accordion. A bummer in itself, but said lady used the horrible instrument to accompany her own drab and dreary religious songs. It didn’t take long before some of the guests started crying with despair.

Aunt Mabel did the only sensible thing. She tore the dreaded instrument out of the woman’s hands ripped it in two, threw one part in the pool and slipped the other part over the woman’s head and said in her most restrained and polite voice: “One more sound out of you and you end up in the pool too.”

The woman choose to leave the party for some reason and aunt Mable to carry on partying now that the mood of her garden party had taken a turn for the better.

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Aunt  Mabel’s thirteenth husband Roderick owned a pub. Yeah, let that sink in for a moment. Mabel with free access to the bottles and barrels in a public house. Disaster you may think, and right you are.

Roderick, that poor sap, thought he had got himself both a cook and a barmaid. How could he know that the good looking 038woman  he had met in Kensington Gardens that bright and sunny Sunday in May had the capacity to drink his most alcoholic patrons under the table and that as cook she was among the few who could burn even water.

Mabel’s foul mouth, terrible temper and heavy swearing made her absolutely useless as a barmaid, even Roderick’s most faithful patrons began to find their pints and booze elsewhere. And the bub grub she cooked was left untouched even by the rats in the backyard where it eventually ended.

Besides poor Roderick would usually find Mabel dead drunk among empty bottles at one of the indoor tables or knocking down 016pint after pint at one of the outdoor ones if the weather was good. There she would whistle at any man passing by, shouting indecent suggestions after them as they hurried down the street.

Well, you should know our Mabel well enough by now, so you’ve probably already guessed that she was heading for another divorce fast. And right enough, poor Roderick had had enough of auntie after about 6 month. Not bad for Mabel really.

I must admit I sorely miss all that free booze Mabel later told young Johnny squeezing his bum playfully pressing her ample bosom teasingly against his arm, and she added, but that Roderick fellow was a right pillock. No fun what so ever.

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When it comes to offering a man a drink in an interesting way few woman have got a repertoire like aunt Mabel. She  doesn’t even bother if the man in question is to plastered to hold the drink himself.

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Should the man in question on the other hand have no interest in alcoholic beverages at all aunt Mable can easily take care of all the drinking herself. Here’s a picture from the modest gathering during her eleventh wedding.

The particular husband in question, Bertie, who had met Mable through an add she had put in a parish magazine just for the heck of it, was as you can see already beginning to have second thoughts.

That marriage, was by the way aunt Mabel’s personal record, it lasted a little under 6 days.

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You might not know this but every year a competition called Miss X-Ray is held in connection with the International Radiologist Convention which for some strange reason is always held in a small town on the Yorkshire coast called Bridlington.

Back in the sixties Aunt Mabel won that competition. You can see her in the middle of the picture above. her abuse of alcohol, tobacco and other objectionable substances had yet to make their mark on her inside.

During the festivity later the same day a radiologist from Huston did his best to seduce young Mabel, but the only thing he got out of that was a rather ugly cut in the forehead from Mabel’s rather heavy first prize and a night in the local intensive unit.

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During the divorce negotiations after Aunt Mabel’s ninth marriage fell apart her lawyer advised her to dress properly. “And remember, wear a hat” was his final words on the matter.

Aunt Mabel who had so much downright unlawful and immoral behaviour she could reveal about her opponent in the presiding  
that she chose a headwear that signalled quite clearly that it all would end up for everyone to see if she didn’t get exactly what she wanted.

Needless to say the poor man left the negotiations penniless.

As he gathered up his paper to put them in his briefcase her lawyer couldn’t help smiling as he whispered “Nice choice of headwear madam.” “I thought it just the thing” Aunt Mabel answered giving him her most innocent smile.

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Young Johnny’s class mates would go ballistic  if they got their hands of an issue of Playboy magazine or similar publications. He on the other hand could just wait for his aunt Mabel to call him on the phone to ask for his help in some matter or other to get his fill of bare female skin. But that was something he kept to himself of course. Some secrets you share, some you don’t

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Just the other day, for instance,  she called him because she had misplaced her bath brush and felt like having someone scrub her back. But in case his mother was listening in on the extension (which she often did) she just said she needed his help to fix something in the bathroom. Drunk or not she has always had a way with words.

It was not the first time that brush was misplaced, if she had one at all, so when Young Johnny arrived he just shook his head in mock disbelief, took the sponge she handed him and set to work on her back.

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Although she chose to spend Christmas living la vida loca* in Cuba, Aunt Mabel found it intolerable that her family saw this as an opportunity to skip buying her Christmas presents. She would never accept the fact and tore round their houses searching for her gifts when she returned  after new years eve thoroughly shagged and hangover.

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By the way, she used the same technique when shopping and was unable to find her favourite goose liver pate or fresh clams. The people working at her regular grocers wisely left her alone, particularly those who had been victim of her boiling anger, foul language and hard kicks.

* The crazy life (for those of you who don’t speak Spanish and didn’t bother to check it on Google translator)

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One of aunt Mabel’s greatest fears is loosing the feeling in her hands and arms so she has just in case it should ever happen started training on how to still manage to  keep up her steady drinking.

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Those of you who has been following the life and times of aunt Mabel for some time should know that exercising and training is far from her favourite pastime. It does after all require some sort of effort, but as we all know, fear is a mighty driving force.

On a whole, as the pictures clearly show, I think our Mabel will be able to knock down more than a few whatever happens to her hands and arms 😉

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This is the last picture of aunt Mabel’s eighth husband Benjamin (usually called just Bennie). Alive that is. When the criminal investigators arrived they took a whole bunch of pictures after aunt Mable let go both barrels and blew his head clean away trying to get  some dog shit off her shoe.

The investigators had a hard time as the cigarette Bennie had just lit landed on the dry lawn and set the grass on fire ruining what little evidence there might have been. They also had difficulties getting a reasonable answer out of aunt Mabel as the shock had made her temporarily take totally leave of her senses and was only able to communicate through her ventriloquist dolls and incoherently at that.

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Poor Bennie was as you might have guessed buried in a closed coffin at a funeral aunt Mabel was unable to attend as she insisted on bringing her dolls and hold a memorial speech through one of them. The priest who performed the funeral service told her family he found the idea preposterous.

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Benjamin’s sisters, Gilda and Agnes who were only slightly more in control of their senses than aunt Mabel held the speech in her absence. They did so in unison, rhyming in their high pitched rather unpleasant voices. Young Johnny’s mother later confessed it was the strangest funeral she’d ever been to.

Aunt Mable on the other hand, who had miraculously returned to the world of the sane (without letting anyone know) the moment poor Benjamin’s sad demise was ruled a shooting accident. So as her family attended Bennie’s strange farewell to the living she took a soothing bath rereading Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

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Here’s a selfie of aunt Mabel just before she plugged in her Christmas tree lights in 1968. Not one to think much about her own safety (or others) when plastered she had the bright idea of doing this in the middle of a  large dish wash. Due to her soaking wet hands she got a massive electric shock that threw her straight on her back where she remained unconscious till most of the Christmas was over.

This made her swear never to celebrate Christmas again and this she has kept to this day. As Christmas draw near she goes  to Cuba where she finds herself a cheap bar and an eager young native lover to keeps her in booze and bodily naughtiness. She usually returns in time to celebrate the new year with young Johnny’s family where she embarrasses every one with tacky tales about her mischiefs among the communists. 

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Here we have a nice picture of young Johnny’s mum and dad greatly enjoying themselves watching aunt Mabel on national television getting arrested at the prime minister’s new year’s ball. That she had managed to get in became a serious embarrassment for National Security as she was discovered by reporters as being absolutely plastered already before entering.

That she wore only her black silk dressing gown and high heeled slippers with furry pompons and had managed to get passed the guards with a solid supply of her own homemade booze was yet another embarrassment.

“I was just afraid they would serve nothing but champagne there” she later explained, adding “You need gallons of that French piss to get drunk. My bladder’s not build for the weak stuff.”

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Time for a little background stuff now visitors. A look into the young Johnny’s family history. And we start in the late fifties at Skegness beach. From the left we have Johnny’s great aunt Gertrud, a troubled soul with a taste for WWII Nazi military effects and post war Berlin trivia. Standing is Johnny’s mother in her young days and sitting on the ground is a young Mabel. Next is Johnny’s grandfather, Conrad, a man so under his wife’s thumb that one hardly heard him speak unless told to by Johnny’s grandmother, Bertha , the substantial woman to the right with a firm grip on her handbag.

As you can see the grown up stick to the time honoured practice of totally avoiding getting sun on 90 % of their bodies. leaving most of their skin looking like sour skimmed milk seen through the sheerness of a condom.

Johnny’s grandfather and his sister are as their name might indicate of German decent, something that didn’t make the family all that popular in the post war years. Gertrude’s fascination with Nazi memorabilia and the decadent Berlin thirties did nothing to dampen this lack of popularity.

As you can see, Mabel was a rather shy child. Who would have thought that, but her mother, Bertha, was a kind of woman that absorbed about 97 % of the family’s attention, deliberately I may add. She had a voice they could have used as an air raid siren and the personality of a hippopotamus with a severe toothache. Besides, she had a right hook that could knock a grown man into the intense care unit and permanent coma.

091Anyone who has been to an English sea side resort knows that one of the entertainments organized for the working classes the frequent such places is ‘dress up` competitions. The only one in the family to participate while the family was in Skegness was of course Bertha, who simply told the rest of the family that if they dared to rain on her parade they had to take the consequences. They wisely joined the audience.

Bertha dressed, as you can see, up as Josephine Baker. She had just heard of Bakers costume, never seen any pictures of it, so this was the best she could do. Needless to say she did not win. On the other hand, a male competitor pinched her bottom and she knocked him unconscious to the audience’s great enjoyment.

Well, this was a little glimpse into young Johnny’s family background. I hope this makes you look at our aunt Mabel with kinder eyes from now on. More family background will be posted at a later point in time – Ted

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Aunt Mabel is not the greatest of cooks and once when she visited at young Johnny and his family she asked Johnny’s mother what one usually stuffed turkeys with. “You just take whatever you like” His mother answered adding “Apples, sausage meat and herbs, bread stuffing, You know whatever you like.” Aunt Mabel loves hamburgers, so she stuffed her turkey with that.

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Aunt Mabel is a real dresser, even when she is almost undressed. I am willing to bet that none of your aunts ever wear a head dress like that when doing the dishes. On the other hand, they probably wear more than a tiny apron, see-through knickers and rubber gloves as well.

Young Johnny, who took the pictures saw no reason to complain, but then again how he feels about his aunt’s knickers should be well known to regular visitors to this blog by now – Ted 😉

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The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 21
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 20
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 19
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 18
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 17
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 16
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 15
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 14
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 13
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 12
The Life & Times Of Aunt Mabel – Part 11

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Last week we got a glimpse at how Aunt Mabel treated religious people that turned up at her doorstep, but they were the fortunate ones. Aunt Mable’s foul language may have sent the most timid among them both into coma or into homes for the bewildered and baffled. The pest repellent she used on door salesmen on the other hand was lethal.

The door salesmen are gone for good, at least round my neck of the woods, but we have another pest these days, the telephone salesmen. Had it been possible to use Aunt Mabel’s technique on door salesmen on them I would have considered it –Ted

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These lovely old Swede immigrant ladies turned up on Aunt Mabel’s doorstep one day asking nicely if they could come in and talk a little and sing about Jesus. The foulness of her answer sent one of them into permanent coma and the other to a permanent bed post in a home for the mentally bewildered and baffled.

I can sympathize with her feelings having lived less than 200 meters from the Assembly Hall of one of the larges congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Norway. Their annoying eagerness in bringing salvation to the neighbourhood was if nothing else impressive  – Ted

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Aunt Mable never bothered too much about what part of her body was visible when sunbathing in her back yard as long as her sister, young Johnny’s mother, was not present. Should Johnny be present on the other hand she usually made sure some interesting part was visible at all times.

One time he was splashing around in her pool she waved him over, handed him a bottle of suntan lotion and said in her most innocent voice “Would you be a good boy and put some lotion on my bum. It is not a place one would like to get burned.”

Need I mention that Young Johnny took the task very seriously and left not a single spot on his aunts behind un-lotioned. A task he would be asked to perform on many occasion from then on.

The cheek of that women, huh? (Pun intended)

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When Aunt Mabel is out of work (which is just about always) and single (which is quite often due to her boozing and foul mouth) she arrange poker nights with her friends to keep herself in cash. Apart from making rather decent moonshine and mixing cocktails about the only thing she is really good at is cheating at cards and as she is devoid of any kind of moral, she always does.

The evenings usually starts off in a friendly atmosphere like on this picture, but when Aunt Mabel has robbed her friends of their last dime and suspicion of cheating is voiced, Aunt Mabel quickly change the subject and suggest a little course in how to make the perfect cocktail, and soon her friends are too plastered to remember anything about cheating at cards.

This way Aunt Mabel manage to combine her two expertizes to keep herself financially afloat and have fun at her friends expenses at the same time. The insolence of that woman, huh….

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